On Flatulence

 ON FLATULENCE

An incidence of flatulence does not signify an end of the world nor, contrary to our overly olfactorily  sensitive citizens, does it cause asphyxiation.  It is simply the product of ingestion which we all participate in and will do so until death.  It is one of these, unfortunate to some, common occurrences that cause serious alarm in the more sensitive.

Now a bathroom is normally an enclosed space and if properly enclosed can isolate any flatulence associated with its use.  Unfortunately for some, the bathroom is not the only location in a home or public that one can experience flatulence or to be subject to its effects.  Flatulence may be random, happening when least expecting it.  It occurs often in crowded environments and when you may be attempting to concentrate on a task at hand it could very well be inadvertent.

Flatulence has, on occasion, been the cause of hard feelings and name calling between those responsible and those subjected.  Now being a criminal defense attorney, I have my usual response to this problem - - criminalize flatulence in crowded spaces.  My suggestion would be that in a group of three or more, flatulence be classified as a simple misdemeanor with the usual prescribed penalty of not more than 30 days in jail and a fine.  And since flatulence is the result of ingestion which must continue until death, it will never go away and will continue to be one of those things in life that cause annoyance and for which prosecution may result.

Criminalization is the method by which my income can be increased and another method by which our legislature can continue to criminalize its citizens.  Obviously, proof determining who of a group is responsible for the flatulence would be an issue.  Proof could be difficult and would take witnesses of those affected adversely.  Though a problem for law enforcement, the more difficult the matter of proof, the more time would be involved in defending those charged which again increases the amount that can be charged for the defense of the crime.  All of which, to my mind, is a good thing.

So there you have it folks - - another problem, another solution. 

Richard E H Phelps II

Mingo